


as he caught his footing

by letterando



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band), Super Junior
Genre: Domestic, Established Relationship, Established Relationship Eunhae, EunHae, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, One-sided Jeongcheol, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Relationship Jeongcheol, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 03:58:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17052686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letterando/pseuds/letterando
Summary: Where Hyukjae and Donghae are on leave together, Heechul's gaydar is flawless, Jungsoo's protectiveness levels up, and Seungcheol needs some guidance through his Gay Panic.





	as he caught his footing

**Author's Note:**

> Browsing my WIPs, I found this draft. It's terribly angsty and doesn't get anywhere in terms of Jeongcheol, but at least it's finished, which is more than most of the .docx files in my Fanfic folder can claim.  
> I wrote this several months ago. I asked myself "what if Heechul met Seventeen during their first appearance on Weekly Idol and his gaydar pinged on Seungcheol just when Cheollie was going through the worst of his Gay Panic for Hannie?"  
> I merged this with an older project of mine roughly called "Eunhae as LGBT+ guru of the K-Pop idol industry."  
> Bonus points for those who spot all the AU elements. I wanted to keep this as realistic as possible, but alas the timing was against me.  
> I apologize in advance for any OoC elements, they're completely unintentional and you're welcome to point out any trait which makes you uncomfortable.  
> This work is Un-Beta-ed. You're also welcome to point out typos and wacky sentences.  
> Finally, all LGBT+ talk comes from conversations I had with my LGBT friends/acquaintances. Not all opinions are mine.  
> This isn't a rulebook. You do you darlings.  
> All my love.

 

 

_“As he caught his footing, his head fell back, and the Milky Way flowed down inside him with a roar.”_

  * _Yasunari Kawabata, Snow Country_



 

 

 

 

“-still can’t believe it.”

“What’s important is to stay calm, let’s STAY CALM!”

“Kwan stop screaming!”

“How should I call them?”

“Well I’m calling them sunbaenim. That’s not too formal, right?”

“Isn’t -ssi enough?”

“They’re much older Woo, it’s best to call them sunbaenim.”

“Oh shit guys, I’m shaking.”

“What the fuck Hao, don’t say that! Now I’m shaking too!”

“Guys,” he called from the back of the car, gaining everyone’s attention and silence immediately, a testament to how nervous and in need of guidance everybody was.

Seungcheol covertly swallowed his own nerves and spoke up: “This is our first time on _Weekly Idol_ , and we’re all reasonably nervous. But let’s remember that we’re not just meeting two people, we’re meeting all the crew members of the show, too. I know we haven’t had time to talk about it in depth with all the shows and fansigns we’re doing, but just pretend it’s run-of-the-mill show and go through the motions, okay? Plus, if you don’t know what to say just look at your hyungs and we’ll help you, right?”

He looked at the oldest boys beside him, Jisoo, Soonyoung, and Wonwoo, and felt immensely relieved when they immediately agreed with him and helped him, if not calm down, at least keep the younger ones relatively contained.

Honestly, Seungcheol was one whole nervous wreck too. He was just forcing himself to keep up his best poker face. He wondered how Jeonghan was faring, in the other car, then swerve the direction of his thoughts so fast he got himself mental whiplash. It was _not_ safe for him to think about the second-in-charge in recent times.

Later, as they were ushered into the studio of the show and bowed seemingly a thousand times over to each member of the crew (due to their nerves some members even bowed to their _own_ crew), they were finally introduced to the hosts.

The kids did fine after all, thought Seungcheol, they just said their greetings a bit louder than normal, and their bows were so stiff he worried some of them turned into wood, but Defconn and Hyeongdon were obviously used to it and breezed through their awkward meeting with a blasé attitude that Seungcheol hoped he would develop one day.

Suddenly, a loud laughter boomed in the corridor and the two hosts looked at each other for a moment before bursting into giggles.

“Aish, I forgot it was today!”

“Me too!”

“What, what’s happening?” squealed Seungkwan, not even noticing the look of reproach he got from Seungcheol.

Fortunately, the older men took the boy’s enthusiastic curiosity in stride and grinned benevolently.

“We have a guest today actually! He won’t do MC, but he’s here to talk about a future guest appearance. Oh… well, that’s what I guess?” said Hyeongdon, finishing the sentence with a look at his partner, scratching his short beard uncertainly.

The other man just shrugged. “Sometimes he just comes by to get to know the young ones and have a good time, so… who knows?”

At the point where everyone and their mother was hyper curious about who was this special guest was, the door opened and a man crossed the threshold, throwing his hand in the air with a flourish.

“Good news, everyone! I’m here!”

Seungcheol would have berated the Seventeen members who squealed so high he was sure bats could hear them, but he was too busy falling over himself to stand up straight and bow respectfully and try not to stutter in his greeting because holy crap, _Kim_ _Heechul_!

While Heechul was not exactly one of his top favorite musicians, he preferred rappers, Heechul was a great comedian and more importantly he was part of the legendary Super Junior. While Big Time Rush had paved the way for idol culture in South Korea, it was Super Junior that had opened the curtains for K-Pop internationally, and Seungcheol wasn’t so young as to not understand that.

As he raised his head he noticed that, thankfully, all the other members had bowed a near 90 degrees. Sighing in relief, he looked at Heechul, who was hanging from Defconn’s shoulder playfully but was actually regarding each boy carefully. At the end of the line he looked at Seungcheol and smirked.

“You the leader?”

“Err-“ _Focus_! his mind intimated. “Yes sunbaenim! I’m Choi Seungcheol, 20, rapper.”

“His stage name is s.coups, coups as in great success! Kid’s got guts, huh?” quipped Hyeongdon, and Seungcheol fought the urge to squirm under the older men’s laughter. Heechul, however, did not laugh.

“A bold stage name is good,” said Heechul, smiling with a serious undertone that stopped the hosts’ laughter in its track.

“He trained for six years,” came a voice from beside Seungcheol, and even though he recognized it, he still turned around to confirm that it had been indeed Jeonghan who had spoken up. He, too, was regarding the hosts soberly.

“It’s not arrogance if you trained hard before debuting with a strong stage name. It’s just acknowledging your hard work.”

Seungcheol wanted to tell Jeonghan to stop talking, but with the tense air  that they had both going on recently, he figured he would lose a limb if he so much as brushed his fingers against Jeonghan’s side to signal him to stop, or if he raised his voice above a whisper. Plus, Soonyoung and Jisoo both quipped in with remarks of agreement.

When Seungcheol turned to the three older men, Heechul’s gaze was locked on Jeonghan, and the excited glint in his eyes betrayed his posture, which still radiated aloofness. Seungcheol was so jealous of the seamless mix of emotions that Heechul was smoothly displaying.

“Well said. You are?”

“Yoon Jeonghan, 20, vocalist, stage name ‘Jeonghan.’ It’s nice to meet you, Heechul-sunbaenim,” stated Jeonghan calmly, and Seungcheol admired the way the other boy kept his eyes firmly on Heechul, and held himself elegantly, not stiffly like himself, as if he greeted legendary idols every day for breakfast.

Jeonghan’s introduction was followed quickly by all the other members’ and soon it became the time to start recording the show.

Since their managers were spawns of the devil, all that Seventeen had been told that day was that the main game was going to be a sexy one, full of fanservice. So when the hosts happily announced that they were going to do a kissing game, Seungcheol’s heart turned into lead in his ribcage.

He wasn’t nervous when it was his turn. He knew his reputation, but he hoped his bad rep would go unnoticed with the obstacle of the paper.

In the end, he truly didn’t feel much nervous when he sucked in air and the piece of paper, too.

On the contrary, he wasn’t fucking breathing when the turn of the vocal unit came up. Jisoo turned around and Jeonghan leaned in and oh gods. _Oh_ _gods_ …

Seungcheol’s blood froze in his veins and beads of cold sweat gathered at his eyebrows as he saw Jeonghan mouthing at Jisoo’s face, once, twice, almost losing hold of the paper, his eyes closed, his lips perfectly red, and Seungcheol did _not_ want to know what Jeonghan’s tongue was doing.

He did _not_ want to know, and specifically his lower region did not want to know.

He felt void, he felt like the rest of the world disappeared, sound disappeared, he felt a plummeting sensation in his stomach and finally, finally, an intake of air.

A breath. Frantically, he sucked air in through his nose and almost coughed as he breathed it out.

Breathe. Breathe. He needed to fucking _breathe_.

He was _not_ popping a boner on his group’s first time on _Weekly Idol._ It was going to be alright.

He joined his hands together behind his back and leaned down, pushing laughter out of his throat, following the others’ giggles. He knew he couldn’t maintain the position for long but being hunched in laughter was giving him a few precious seconds to divert his mind from the sinful scene he had just witnessed.

Breathe. _Breathe_.

Everything was fine.

Nothing to see here, moving on.

When he felt his… _situation_ , calming down, Seungcheol breathed a sigh of relief. Which made him choke one second later when he stood upright and he noticed someone behind the camera smirking at him and giving him a thumb up.

Kim fucking Heechul was smirking at him and giving him a thumb up!

For a moment, Seungcheol was convinced Heechul knew exactly what was going on, knew exactly how he had felt.

But then, he paused to think. Heechul was probably amused by the kissing game and was, for some reason, giving him the thumb up. How could he had noticed, simply looking at Seungcheol? It was absolutely ridiculous.

Nah, thought Seungcheol, looking back at the other laughing members, clapping along, that was just his imagination making him see ghosts where none were.

Kim Heechul knew nothing, and Seungcheol’s secret was safe.

.

.

.

Kim Heechul knew what was up and Seungcheol was fucking _screwed_.

As soon as the camera went off, Heechul started trying to approach him and talk to him. The young leader knew his members well, though, and directed the most rambunctious ones to start jokes and singing games with the older idol.

Little did he know that his plan would backfire so magnificently.

As the crew members were gathering their things and the boys were slowly and chaotically changing back into their clothes, most of the group and Heechul found themselves chatting in a changing room.

There was a ratty old couch by the wall, a table full to the edges of phones, bottles, snacks and random accessories, and two racks of clothes were standing by the wall, creating a somewhat cozy atmosphere. Due to the members starting to warm up to the bigger-than-life Heechul, most of the crew members were wisely avoiding their half of the room, especially the ruckus they were creating.

Seungcheol had finally sat himself on the armrest of the sofa. He had avoided the couch and all chairs in case Heechul decided to go for a front attack. Seungcheol didn’t want to cause a scene by jumping to his feet as soon as the older idol approached him, and if he was constantly standing, seemingly not tired, and engaged with this or that dongsaeng, he had a ready-made excuse to ignore or divert Heechul’s attempts at talking.

It was exactly to divert the topic from the kissing game, specifically not to give Heechul the chance to imply anything about him, that Seungcheol tried to close it as hastily as possible.

“Congrats us! We can finally say we don’t have innocent ones in our group. We all kissed like womanizers!”

His words prompted Seungkwan, Hansol, Minghao and Soonyoung to burst into high squeals of laughter before launching into cheers.

“I’m a pure soul, leave me alone!” exclaimed Jisoo, prompting a round of cheers.

Next, Seungcheol had planned to archive the topic completely by indirectly asking Heechul to share some embarrassing stories about kissing and fanservice with the other members, since exposing his own members seemed like a fire-proof way to get Heechul chattering on and on.

However Mingyu, sitting on a nearby chair with Junhui, clapped his hands and playfully tapped Seungcheol’s elbow.

“Womanizer who? You kissed like it was your first kiss!”

Amidst the hilarity of the comment Seungcheol felt his cheeks flushed, his mind starting to work overtime to think about a way to extricate himself from the delicate topic.

But apparently Mingyu wasn’t finished, since he pointed a finger at him and turned to the others.

“Oi oi, you know what? Yesterday evening I took a look at this chat on hyung’s phone, it was his high school group chat and they were talking about possible games for _Weekly Idol_ and kissing came up, you know? And guess what they were calling him? Face-vacuum!”

Seungcheol didn’t hear the resounding laughter because all his blood had suddenly rushed to his ears and his heartbeat became deafening loud, overpowering any other sound. Thankfully used to be teased about that, he gulped and forced himself to breathe again.

“Liar!” he shouted, his fingers tightening around his phone, forcing himself to look at Mingyu and not bowing his head in shame.

“Liar who? We were on the couch talking about what kind of games we would play today and you yourself said ‘my school mates are saying it’ll definitely be a kissing game, those little shits!’ He said that, right Ver? You were there too!”

“Err, well, yeah.”

Oh, couldn’t Vernon have gotten a sudden case of selective amnesia, for fuck’s sake?

And Mingyu still wasn’t finished, apparently.

“So I leaned towards him and saw that they were all saying how bad Seungcheol was at kissing. Like, like, _so_ bad that you were called ‘vacuum’ at school. What the fuck, right?”

Seungcheol fought the urge to raise his hands to his face and hide.

God, how he had hoped he would never hear that nickname out loud, ever again.

Amidst the laughter and the questions, he shook his head, trying to buy time and think about a proper comeback that would both let him bow out with as much dignity as possible, and close the topic efficiently. But before his mind could supply anything important, he felt a hand curving around his thigh in a familiar way.

“Apart from the fact that that’s no way to talk about your hyung, and if it was me you were talking about you would be bent in two clutching your stones by now, I also recall taking a peek at one of _your_ group chats, Gyu. Something about you taking the silver for once and coming second?”

 Jeonghan’s deceivingly sweet tone, the one he reserved for when he was truly furious, was soon eclipsed by all the boys bursting in excited shouts.

“They meant the sports’ gold!” exclaimed Mingyu, red in the face.

“Boo! I saw that chat too, they did _so_ not mean sports!” hollered Vernon, prompting another round of incoherent shouts.

Meanwhile Seungcheol mentally fought against his urges. He wanted to hold Jeonghan’s hand back, he wanted to caress his thigh too, he wanted to turn around and bury his face in Jeonghan’s neck. It was covered by his sweater anyway, it wasn’t like it would have been that big of a deal.

But Seungcheol was feeling like his skin was too tight for him, his blood buzzed in his veins, and he was scared that the moment he’d touched Jeonghan today, he was going to latch onto him for hours on end like he sometimes did around the dorm, especially during lazy nights watching movies on the couch or the floor, or worst of all, in bed. It was a miracle Jeonghan didn’t notice anything, Seungcheol didn’t want to advertise his stupid crush to the group at large.

For once, Seungcheol was too embarrassed to seek comfort in Jeonghan’s cuddly touch, and when Heechul cheerfully announced that he would share some of his womanizer ways with Seungcheol, techniques that all boys would kill to know, the young leader let himself squeeze Jeonghan’s hand in gratefulness for a second, uncaring of the older idol’s gaze tracking the movement, before he followed Heechul out of the room, amidst shouts of rightful envious rage.

 

 

 

A few minutes later, Seungcheol stood behind racks of costumes near an emergency exit, staring at Kim Heechul’s shoes.

As soon as Heechul brought him out of other people’s hearing range, Seungcheol heard exactly what he had feared.

“I think we only have a few minutes so I’ll go straight to the point. You might want to talk with someone about editing the recording during the vocal team’s kissing game.”

Seungcheol stared resolutely at Heechul’s shoes as he swallowed with extreme difficulty.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

In front of him Heechul sighed but Seungcheol didn’t dare raise his gaze.

He wasn’t usually this submissive, but he was scared that if Heechul took one look at his eyes, he would know every single thought he had ever conceived.

“Okay, I see why you want to go down that route so I’ll go straight to the point. What are your thoughts about MAMAN?”

To these words, Seungcheol’s eyes snapped up so fast he almost got whiplash, but he didn’t care since Heechul just uttered a forbidden name, and more importantly, he had just uttered it in the exact same formula Seungcheol had heard as a trainee.

_‘Skinship’s all good and shit but if anybody ever asks you what you think about MAMAN then you better call him a fag and start laying low, boy.’_

Shit.

_Shit._

It was exactly as Seungcheol had feared. Was he so transparent…?

Seungcheol’s elbow hit against something, but it was only after his hands were on his knees and an unfamiliar palm was on his shoulder that he realized he had just had a mini panic attack and had slumped against the wall.

More appallingly, he soon registered that Heechul was whispering for him to breath and was trying to guide his inhales and exhales. Seungcheol’s skin lit up like a bonfire at the thought of Kim Heechul helping him out of a panic attack. No matter how grateful he felt, it was way too embarrassing.

“Ah, no, sorry… I’m fine,” he mumbled.

“’I’m fine’ huh…” sighed Heechul above him. “Okay. Sure. Let’s go with that. Can you give me your phone? Remember to keep breathing deep breaths, and keep your head bowed.”

Seungcheol immediately took his phone out of his jacket’s pocket, unlocked it and handed it over, pointedly ignoring his shaking hands. Taking deep breaths, he tried his best at calming down as soon as possible. It was the number one priority on his agenda right now, that was how embarrassed he was.

Slowly, Heechul entered his peripheral vision when he crouched beside him, typing a phone number in Seungcheol’s phone.

“I’m giving you the number of a friend of mine, okay? You’re lucky he’s at home these days. He should be alright with it, but I’ll call him to make sure. I’m sorry but if he says he can’t meet you- Oh, hey Jae! How’s my cutest dongsaeng doing?”

Seungcheol couldn’t hear the interlocutor’s reply, so he kept sucking in air and pushing it out from his nose.

“Got it in one! Ah… I don’t think he’s okay enough to talk at the moment, Jae, and you sound pretty busy,” murmured Heechul sheepishly and as he distanced the phone Seungcheol heard a male voice screaming.

“Yikes,” murmured Heechul before leaning the device close to his ear again. “Okay, I’ll let you drive in peace now Jae, I- …of course, don’t worry. …I will. …I will, jeez!”

Heechul closed the call with a sigh and handed the phone to Seungcheol, who was thankfully feeling almost settled, even though he kept leaning on the wall. After all, who knew what curve ball Heechul was going to throw at him next.

“All right kid. You have Jae’s number now. Needless to say you won’t share it with anyone. I’m not joking.”

At Heechul’s suddenly dead-serious tone Seungcheol could only nod frantically and do his best not to stutter out a ‘yessir.’ God, Kim Heechul was fucking intimidating when he got serious.

“Text him soon, he wants to have lunch with you.”

Seungcheol heard Korean being spoken to him, but the words didn’t make a lick of sense.

“Huh?” he asked, intelligently.

“Sorry but I can’t say much here. Just text him and set up a meeting, okay? And don’t worry. It will be alright.”

At the sudden soft tone of the older man, Seungcheol finally found the courage to look him in the eyes. Heechul’s gaze was kind and understanding and for an embarrassing moment, Seungcheol wanted him to pat his head or even hug him, like his hyung used to do.

“But… why?”

Heechul frowned in regret and looked at one side awkwardly before refocusing his gaze on him.

“There’s no time now, you’ll understand if you meet up with Jae. Just know that I won’t say anything about this to anyone and I’m really glad my radar’s still working fine.”

Seungcheol frowned, completely puzzled by Heechul’s cryptic words, but before he could ask for a clarification, he heard one of Seventeen’s noonas calling his name impatiently.

Seungcheol’s legs moved instinctively towards the sound, his reaction deeply ingrained from his training days, and it was only when he saw Heechul walking beside jo, in the main corridor, bustling with crew members, that he remembered he still had a thousand questions and things to tell the older man.

Doubts, questions, and even words of gratefulness.

But as Heechul patted his shoulder lightly, he only managed to stutter out a ‘thanks’ as the older man returned him his phone.

Seungcheol caught the occasion to express one of the feelings that were whirling in his chest, and he thanked Heechul, not only for remembering about returning the object, but also for the assist during the embarrassing panic attack. He didn’t know if his feelings were conveyed properly, but he contented himself when the other smiled brightly and squeezed his shoulder for a second before letting go.

“My pleasure!”

And after the older idol brightly but hurriedly bid goodbyes to the other members of Seventeen, Seungcheol walked out of the building with a mind swimming with questions, and a phone with a new number in it.

 

 

 

 

His phone felt like it was a boiling hot potato in Seungcheol’s pocket until they arrived back to the dorm.

Then, as the members divided off to practice or exercise or lock themselves up in the studio, Seungcheol’s phone started going off every few minutes with the usual crack from the group chats.

It was why Seungcheol was completely taken aback when he opened a new chat commenced by a certain ‘Jae.’

 

**_Jae: 21:34_ **

_Yo. I’m Hyukjae. Sorry about Heechul, I’m sure he was silly and came off a bit crazy, but he’s a good man, he means well. He thinks we have some talking to do. Want to come over for lunch? This week I’m free tomorrow, Thursday, Friday and Sunday._

 

Seungcheol’s mind swirled with possibilities and he slumped on the mini couch in Jihoon’s studio, his rapping sheet so forgotten it was like it never existed.

So he did actually have Lee Hyukjae’s number. But what on earth did Heechul tell his dongsaeng?

Well, Seungcheol had a topic in mind, of course, but what the hell did the older man say, in the specifics? And why did Hyukjae wanted to talk to him? Even seeing him in person. What the fuck?

 

**_21:35 Me:_ **

_Hello. Thank you for your invitation._

**_21:35 Me:_ **

_I don’t know what Heechul-sunbaenim told you but it’s alright. I don’t think we need to talk about anything. Thank you so much for the thoughtful invitation though._

 

Seungcheol tried to swallow his nerves, but he grew more restless by the second, to the point that his heartbeat started to pound in his ears.

 

**_Jae: 21:38_ **

_Hyung told me you popped up on his radar though._

**_Jae: 21:38_ **

_And that you reacted rather strongly to the password._

 

Oh, shit. _Shit_.

Seungcheol had understood correctly then, it was a coded sentence.

It was a way to spot… to spot… to spot _certain_ people in the business. Shit.

He dug himself into his mess. Now what? Was he to go to one of the managers and ask them to make sure that Heechul and Hyukjae wouldn’t tell anybody? But then wasn’t he supposed to tell the managers about himself first? And what would he say about himself? He didn’t even know for fuck’s sake!

He almost jumped in surprise when his phone chimed with new messages.

 

**_Jae: 21:40_ **

_I spooked the fuck out of you haven’t I? I’m so sorry._

**_Jae: 21:40_ **

_But really, it’s alright. Hyung only introduces people to me whom he knows would benefit from having a chat with me._

**_Jae: 21:41_ **

_But if you don’t want, it’s okay. If you’re alright on your own, it’s fine. Maybe hyung exaggerated._

 

 

With his heart in throat, Seungcheol typed shakingly.

 

**_21:41 Me:_ **

_Thank you. It’s very kind of you._

**_21:42 Me:_ **

_But I don’t think it’s so bad I have to bother you in person. Do you have a couple of minutes? I’ll be fine with a quick phone call if you’re not busy._

 

 

**_Jae: 21:43_ **

_Sorry but I never talk about this on the phone. I don’t message about it, I don’t have phone calls about it. I can’t risk it. I just can’t take any risks. I hope you understand._

 

The stony resolve with which Hyujkae wrote the message transpired clearly from the pixeled words. For a moment, Seungcheol thought it was paranoia, but then, the seed of a thought germinated at the back of his mind.

Was Hyukjae so defensive because this topic held high personal stakes for him? And what if he wasn’t protecting himself, but his group, too?

Seungcheol tried to view the situation from his interlocutor’s point of view. If he were a 30-something idol, and had such a big secret to be mindful of, a secret so sensitive it could hurt his whole group, and was suddenly sagged with a newface with the same…concerns. Of course Seungcheol would take any measure in his power to make sure that his precious people were safe first. That’s what he was starting to do instinctively for his own members, after all.

 

 

**_21:45 Me:_ **

_I understand. I accept your invitation, sunbaenim. Thank you. Around lunchtime this week we’re free Thursday, Friday and Sunday._

**_Jae: 21:45_ **

_Ok then. Is Thursday too soon for you?_

 

 _Hell yes_ , he thought, too panicky even to swallow.

 

**_21:45 Me:_ **

_No, it’s fine!_

 

 

A few minutes passed, in which Seungcheol hoped that Hyukjae had checked his calendar and found out that Thursday was actually impossible, that they could meet much, much later. Although part of him wanted to hear what the older man had to say, he was so terrified he started shaking all over.

 

**_Jae: 21:53_ **

_I arranged a driver for you, since it’s best to leave your managers out of this. Okay? Please don’t tell them we’re going to meet up._

 

**_21:53 Me:_ **

_I won’t sunbaenim!_

 

A few seconds later another message popped up, but Seungcheol could only read ‘I gave hyung your‘ before his phone ringed with an unknown number.

He absurdly thought that by swiping on the screen he was going to put the incoming call on hold or something, his mind too stressed out by recent events to work properly, when a male voice resounded clearly from the tiny speaker.

“Hello! Choi Seungcheol-ssi?”

“Ah, err, yes?”

 _Off to a great response_ , he scolded himself. He only hoped this was a call center operator and be done with it in a few seconds.

“I’m Park Jungsoo, Jaejae gave me your number?”

It was a question. That sounded like a question, right? Park Jungsoo just asked him a question, right?!

“Ahh, yes. Yes!”

“You are meeting up day after tomorrow, apparently?”

“Y-yes. We need to… I mean… Um…”

“Oh, it’s alright! No need to say anything! Look, tell your favorite coach that Heechul gave you my number and I want to hang with you and trade stories about being team leaders, ok? Something like that, that you know they won’t question too much. Now where shall I pick you up? Dorm? Studio?”

Seungcheol’s mind swam for a second before he gained his wits about him. “Um, studio would be better,” he said, and proceeded to tell the address.

“Okay! I’ll be around noon-ish. You’re being calmer than I thought you would. I had people screaming my ears off when I call them, even if they’re in the business themselves.”

“Ah, no, it’s just that I still can’t believe all this. I’m-I’m so shocked I have no idea how I’m even talking.”

Jungsoo parked huffed in laughter and Seungcheol stared at Jihoon, who was just opening the door, juggling a steaming mug and a couple of snacks.

“My ears thank you then. I’ll see you in a couple days, okay kid?”

“Yes, sunbaenim.”

Jungsoo snickered in his ear.

“Good night kid!”

“Good night.”

With his phone still clutched in his hand, Seungcheol turned to the window and stared at the sparkly Seoul night.

Absent-mindedly, he turned to Jihoon, who was fiddling with the music program already, but without his headphones on yet. Most other members would have wanted to know who this sunbaenim was, but not Jihoon.

“Jihoon-ah,” he called.

“Mh?” hummed the other boy, without turning around.

Seungcheol didn’t know what possessed to utter the next words.

“What are your thoughts on MAMAN?”

Jihoon did turn round. He didn’t blush, he didn’t blank out, he didn’t recoil in contempt, he didn’t frown. He simply stared, indifferent. And Seungcheol finally knew what expression he was supposed to have done.

No fucking way he could have reacted like that.

“He’s a brave man,” murmured Jihoon without unlocking eyes with him. “I think he’s the bravest idol of all.”

Seungcheol gulped, feeling trapped. He couldn’t divert his eyes from Jihoon’s steadfast gaze.

“If I were in a group with him, I would have loved to be his confidante.”

 _Oh_ , thought Seungcheol. His reaction anticlimactic. His blood didn’t freeze, his hands didn’t shake. His heart stuttered for a second, before keeping on beating, a little faster.

Oh. Okay.

He nodded, lowering his gaze to the pages on the desk, his crossed legs, his phone, the floor. Suddenly he felt chocked up, heat creeping up his cheeks.

“I think he would have been the luckiest idol to have you as a group member.”

Daring to look up, he saw Jihoon shrugging and that he lowered his gaze this time.

“I don’t know about that. I’m not a great listener. I get too caught up in my stuff. But I try not to judge when someone confides in me,” he stated, pointedly looking at Seungcheol. And yes, he got it, he didn’t need to make it any clearer, jeez…

“Y-Yeah-“ he stuttered out, embarrassment clogging his throat “ I got that. Thank you.”

Jihoon shrugged again and turned back to the screen. A few minutes later, when Seungcheol had brought his thoughts back on the lyrics he was trying to come up with, he spoke up.

“About Mingyu. Expect a grand apology sometime soon. Jeonghan, Jisoo, Soonie and I made sure he understood he crossed a line earlier today.”

“Oh god. Guys…”

“Relax, we just talked. Well, I think Jisoo had to hold back Jeonghan at some point but I don’t think he was seriously going to hit Gyu.”

“Shit. When was this? Where?”

Jihoon shrugged.

“Guys, seriously. It’s okay-“

“It’s not.”

“I could deal with it.”

“Debatable.”

Another long pause issued.

“Heechul-sunbaenim complimented Jeonghan on his savagery, you know?”

Seungcheol groaned in his arms. “Oh my… When?”

“Right after we headed out of the studio. He went up to Han and said ‘Great job standing up for your leader like that. You were a fucking savage and I loved it.’”

“Are you serious?”

“I think they exchanged numbers while I was re-tying my shoes.”

Seungcheol shuddered and prayed that Jihoon hallucinated that nightmarish scenario.

“Jeonghan surprised me today.” The younger boy spoke up again.

He hummed inquisitively, encouraging the other to continue, even though Jihoon was scrutinizing him with a strange glint in his eyes and it was a bit distressing.

“I know he can be rather strict sometimes, but I never saw him like that. It was really intimidating.”

“Yeah, he’s really protective of us.”

“Of _us.._.”

Seungcheol didn’t know why Jihoon repeated that but his expression closed off, became truly unreadable, and his slight frown didn’t help.

“If you’re actually bad at kissing I’m sure Jeonghan could you some pointers.”

Seungcheol’s brains took its sweet time to piece together the logical sense of Jihoon’s words. And when it did, it stuttered like an decrepit car engine.

“W-W-Wha-What?”

“Just saying,” murmured Jihoon shrugging, as if he didn’t just imply what Seungcheol dreaded he implied. “If you asked kissing advice from Jeonghan, I’m sure he’d be delighted to help. You know. Since he’s protective of _us_.”

Seungcheol had no fucking idea how he was supposed to react, so he let instinct take over.

“Okay.”

Because apparently his instinct was eloquent like that.

“Okay,” nodded Jihoon, turning back to his computer. “Good talk.”

 _Holy mother of MAMAN_ , thought Seungcheol desperately, slumping back on the couch and letting his eyes close, _have mercy on me_.

 

 

 

 

Thanks to his most understanding and kind vocal coach, and to some of the boys going out to eat with Jihoon, Thursday noon saw Seungcheol alone, barely inside the doors of the studio with an iron-clad alibi, his best casual clothes, pristine clean, and a feeling of sinking low in his guts.

A few minutes after noon, a sleek foreign car stopped in the street by the studio doors, and when the darkened windows lowered they revealed none other than the leader of Super Junior.

Gulping, Seungcheol rushed out and in the car. As soon as his door was closed, the window had gone up again, and the doors were locked.

Beside him, Jungsoo took off his tinted sunglasses and bowed slightly.

“Let’s do this properly. Hello, I’m Park Jungsoo, nice to meet you!”

“Choi Seungcheol. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he answered seriously, bowing as elegantly as he could in a car before pulling on his seatbelt.

“So polite! You got everything? Ready, set, go?”

Seungcheol just nodded and they were soon in motion.

“So. Jaejae told me you reacted to the password in a way it can’t be misunderstood.”

Seungcheol regarded the older man closely. He wore casual clothes, no accessories apart from the tinted sunglasses, and his face betrayed no emotions other than attention for the street. His voice hadn’t seemed to contain contempt, but Seungcheol didn’t know what to think. His pause had been long enough to alert the older man, though, as he quickly turned to check on him.

“Hey. No judgement here. This is a free judgement car. I just wanted to know how Jaejae knows about you since I was kind busy when he told me to pick you up and I couldn’t ask him anything.”

“Um, why did you pick me up anyway?”

“Jae is crazy careful with these things. He doesn’t want to be associated with rumors unless he’s sure about the person he’s meeting with. So the first meeting is at his, but I drive you there to make sure your higher ups don’t know about it. Plus, if we’re followed and photographed, we’re having lunch together but I just wanted to stop by my darling dongsaeng’s house. He’s on leave for a short period, I want to take advantage of his presence home.”

“Okay,” murmured Seungcheol. It all seemed legit. “Heechul-sunbaenim was at the _Weekly Idol_ studio the other day. He saw me and…” he trailed off, uncertain on how to describe Heechul’s weird powers.

“Yeah,” sighed Jungsoo. “Chullie always had the best radar for LGBT people.”

Jungsoo said the name in English. ‘LGBT.’ He had said it so easily. Seungcheol wondered if he was ever going to be able to say it as easily as that.

He realized too late that he tried it on his tongue a couple times, in a soft pensive tone.

“Yeah,” trilled Jungsoo beside him. “I said it right, right? You know that I actually learned this term in the military? Back in my day, we just called LGBT people ‘gays.’ All of them, ‘gays.’ Bunch of kids in my division scolded me saying it’s LGBT or queer, but you’re not supposed to say queer unless you’re queer too.”

“Oh. Like the N-word.”

“Aish. N-word? What the fuck is an N-word? Shit, sorry about my language. I feel so out of touch with the world, I’m so _old_.”

Seungcheol snickered unhelpfully while Jungsoo grumbled. The older man drove a bit jerkily on the brakes, but Seungcheol was brand new to driving so he tried not to judge.

“How was the military?”

“Not that bad. Tough at the beginning, but routine after. The people who have it worst are those who have never been away from home for long, either those who didn’t move out to University or who didn’t spend some time studying abroad or something. Those are homesick pretty often.”

“So we won’t have a problem.”

“We?”

“Idols.”

“Oh. No. Well. It depends if you have a partner when you enlist, or not. You need to make do with your periods of leave and it can be pretty hard if you’re young and in love.”

Seungcheol fiddled with his phone for a while before finding the courage to speak up.

“You said partner.”

“Mh?”

“You said partner. You didn’t even start to say ‘girlfriend,’ you just said partner.”

“Oh. Well. Yes. You are… I mean…”

Seungcheol was puzzled as to why Jungsoo, of all people, was being awkward right now when he understood what he was trying to say. He was trying to guess Seungcheol’s…

“Oh, yes. I mean. I-I don’t know!“

“No worries! Zero judgement, remember?” quipped Jungsoo quickly, sounding a bit frantic.

“No, no. It’s just. I wasn’t referring to that. Well, maybe yes, to that too. I was mostly saying how, how well you said partner immediately. Like, zero hesitation. I can’t do that. My mind still goes to default, you know, ‘girlfriend.’”

“Oh.”

An awkward silence ensued. Or at least, it was awkward for Seungcheol, who was supposed to be… whatever he was, and he still thought like that. He just called ‘girlfriend’ default for fuck’s sake. He wondered how badly Jungsoo thought about him.

He sounded like a complete douchebag, didn’t he? Argh, maybe he wasn’t ready for this…

“You’re the group leader, right?”

“Mh? Yes.”

“Imagine one or more of your members are g- LGBT, they’re LGBT. And you love them more than… You just-“

“I know.”

“Right? You just start to say those things. You start to say ‘loved one’ or ‘significant other’ or ‘partner.’ You stop say poof, fairy and all those other disgusting words. You actually start wanting to punch anyone who say those disgusting words. You start hating all the questions about ideal girls, about girlfriends, about wives. It’s fine for lyrics, I guess. We took those decisions together, we had a measure of control over that. Anyway, what I was saying… Oh, yeah. If you have LGBT members, and you’re a self-respecting leader, then you love unconditionally and you adopt some habits. That’s all.”

Seungcheol felt warm all over, and a big smile stretched his lips.

“Sunbaenim.”

“Hyung.”

“Huh?”

“You can call me hyung.”

“Oh. Err… Hyung.”

“Nh.”

“I hope I’ll be a great leader like you.”

Jungsoo had a very nice laughter, thought Seungcheol.

“I’m sure you will be, kid.”

 

 

 

 

They arrived at an elegant new apartment complex in one of the nicest, quietest neighborhoods on the outskirts of the capital.

Jungsoo waved over to a pillar with a camera, and as the gate opened, Seungcheol saw a small office beside the hall of the building. There was a guard at the entrance!

After having parked in the underground parking lot, the two made their to the elevator and rode to the third floor.

They exited at the corner of an internal garden full of bushes and trees, adorned by the colors of the autumn. Jungsoo led him at the end of a corridor, in front of a door which, instead of a key hole, had an honest-to-god number pad, like the ones Seungcheol had seen in movies.

As Jungsoo put a finger on the pad, Seungcheol turned around immediately, embarrassed at the thought of not having done so earlier. He didn’t want Jungsoo to think him rude.

He heard a soft hiss, and he turned back around to find Jungsoo smiling benevolently at him.

“Jaejae, we’re here! Can we come in?” called the man, keeping the door ajar.

“Yes!” a male voice resounded. “It’s all clean, come in, come in!”

Seungcheol wanted to remain hidden behind Jungsoo’s enormous back upon entering but the other man gestured him inside first. The entrance was short and perfectly neat. A couple of big shoes, military-issued boots, two light mid-season coats hanging by the coat rack. Seungcheol could see the end of a kitchen counter where he was, filled with trays and bowls full of food, but despite his curiosity he didn’t lean further as he carefully took off his shoes first.

“Seungcheol-ssi, try the colorful slippers by the door, see if they fit!” said the voice again, louder over the sound of running water.

On the floor by the door there was a pair of light gray, rubber slippers with a pattern of flowers on the band. They fit just right.

“They’re perfect!” announced Seungcheol, then heard the tone of his voice and was immediately mortified by shouting in another person’s home. “Thank you,” he added demurely.

He jumped a bit when Jungsoo, whom he had forgotten about in his nervousness, chuckled and patted his shoulder, finally bypassing him like Seungcheol had wanted.

“It smells amazing, Jae,” called the older leader, approaching the counter.

“Yeah, I know, I’m the best,” said someone opposite the counter, still hidden by the corner of the wall of the entrance.

“Hae prepared all this, didn’t he?”

“Most of it, yeah.”

The two men snickered together and Seungcheol wondered if he was going to be so embarrassingly domestic with the other members, many years in the future.

God, he hoped so.

“Did he leave?” asked the male voice in a tone so low Seungcheol wouldn’t have heard it if the apartment wasn’t so quiet.

The question made the leader turn around and promptly walk towards Seungcheol.

“Hey, kid. You okay?”

And in two words, seeing Jungsoo approach him with an open, raised palm, a worried frown on his face, Seungcheol finally realized that he wasn’t okay.

He was supposed to meet with strangers, with legends of the K-Pop industry, with much more experienced, much cooler hyungs, who were enlisted, who were successful, who were widely loved and respected, who lived in elegant homes with number pads instead of key holes, who had their shit together, who knew better than saying ‘gilfriend’ and considering it the default option, who weren’t so fucking bad at kissing that they were called face-vacuums by their high school mates.

So no. Seungcheol wasn’t okay.

But he still nodded and tried with all his will to fight the flush on his cheeks and the burn in his eyes.

Eventually, Jungsoo got so close that Seungcheol couldn’t see anything else apart from a vast chest. Just when he felt a hand on his shoulder, big and warm and comforting, a voice resounded behind the older man.

“Is he ok?”

Seungcheol didn’t mean to, but he involuntarily flinched.

“One sec!”

A single sound from Jungsoo and the flat fell into perfect silence. Before Seungcheol could feel any worse, Jungsoo squeezed his shoulder gently.

“You okay kid?”

He nodded.

“Want to go back?”

He shook his head.

“We can go. We can go whenever we want. We can some lunch somewhere. Hyung’s treat. I know some good places. And it’s such a gorgeous day. I know some places with breath-taking views.”

“B-But… He’s on leave now,” he whispered, hoping that Jungsoo’s chest would be enough of a sound barrier.

“And he’s not going anywhere until next Tuesday. We can come back another day. Or not. You can talk to me. We’ve already talked a bit, we can do that. Just drive and eat something together. It’s no problem for me. Or if you talked with Chullie already, you meet up with him. He’s an obnoxious little shit, but he means well. I’ll threaten him so much he won’t crack stupid jokes or tease you.”

He shook his head again.

“I’m-I’m fine. Sorry. I’m fine, sunbaenim.”

“Hyung,” muttered Jungsoo with a last soft squeeze, before turning around and stepping aside.

Seungcheol only saw slender feet, worn out jeans and a slim waist, before his nerves overwhelmed him again and he bowed 90 degrees so fast his neck hurt.

“Hello! I’m Choi Seungcheol, I’m sorry to bother you in your home, sunbaenim! It’s an honor to meet you!”

His perhaps overly formal and totally awkward introduction was met with well-deserved silence that did not nothing to calm Seungcheol’s nerves.

“Hyung, what the fuck did you tell him on your way here? He’s terrified!”

“I didn’t say any-“

“It’s not sunbaenim’s fault!” he exclaimed hurriedly, feeling the words bursting from his mouth even before he straightened up completely.

Hyukjae’s gaze refocused on him. He was a slender man with a military buzz cut. His t-shirt accentuated his muscles and his high cheekbones reminded Seungcheol of his own.

“Su-Sunbaenim didn’t say anything wrong. This-This is just me being stupid. I’m-I’m being stupid. Sorry.”

And much to his embarrassment he still felt his eyes burning, and scratched his forehead with his hands, wanting nothing more than to press his palms to his eyes but not wanting to appear more childish that he was already being. Popping up to someone’s home and crying in their foyer. Seriously, not even little children did that.

“Hey, you’re not being stupid,” said Jungsoo beside, his hand clasping his shoulder again.

“Yeah, it’s perfectly normal being anxious. But don’t be. Here, I’ll welcome you properly.”

And as Seungcheol moved his hand, Hyukjae bowed.

“Hello, I’m Lee Hyukjae, 29. This is my home and you’re more than welcome here. Lunch is ready, we’re just waiting for Hae to finish washing up.”

“Speak of the devil,” murmured Jungsoo and as Hyukjae stepped aside, Seungcheol saw none other than Lee Donghae walking around a corner and spotting him immediately.

“Hel- Hey, kid, are you okay? Why does he look like someone died?”

“’Cause he was promised food and we’re here dawdling like old men,” replied Hyukjae immediately, throwing him a smile and patting his shoulder quickly before turning around.

“Come in, come in!”

Seungcheol stepped forward, but also pressed closer to Jungsoo, who was thankfully still resting his hand on his shoulder. Lee Donghae was in front of him, looking fresh out of the shower and as good looking as the last time Seungcheol had seen him on television and Seungcheol felt like the ugliest and most awkward kid in school by far.

Donghae wore sweatpants and a simple shirt thrown over a simpler t-shirt, looking more at home than even Hyukjae, his cropped hair still wet, supposedly from a shower, and his smile was the kindest Seungcheol had ever seen.

“Hello. I’m Lee Donghae, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Choi Seungcheol,” he said in a breath, happy that he stopped stuttering.

“It’s-It’s nice to meet you, sun-sunbaenim.” Exactly like that.

“Seungcheol. That’s such a nice name. Winning fairly.”

“I know, right?” exclaimed Jungsoo as they slowly stepped further in the flat.

“And thank you for being polite but we’re about to have dinner together, relax.”

“Do-Donghae-ssi,” tested Seungcheol on his tongue, taking a look at the expansive windows all over the walls.

Behind the kitchen counter, Hyukjae huffed in laughter. “I think he meant call us ‘hyung.’ Oh my god, your face Hae!”

Seungcheol turned to look at Donghae but the older man was simply glaring at his friend. But…? Oh… was that a blush?

“Shut up, Jae!”

“I feel you, Hae. I asked him to call me hyung too and I’m still sunbaenim.”

At that Seungcheol turned to the side so quickly he dislodged Jungsoo’s hand.

“Sorry, hyun-hyu- I mean…!”

“Oh my god, stop flustering our guest hyung! Go wash up while we prepare the table,” scolded Hyukjae from the counter as Donghae bent in two in laughter.

Before he could apologize again, Jungsoo rounded the corner, murmuring “aish, scolded again,” and Seungcheol was left alone with the older men, as they started to go back and forth from the kitchen to a low table in the adjoining living room.

“I can help,” finally said Seungcheol, feeling useless.

“Ah, don’t worry. If you want to wash up, the sink is-“

But Jungsoo was already rounding the corner, asking what he needed to carry.

“Show Seungcheol-ssi the restroom, why did you go alone? Yah, this man seriously...” scolded Hyukjae again, shaking his head.

“Sorry we were early,” said Seungcheol inanely, approaching the apologetic older leader, but Donghae merely smiled at him as he passed by.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry!”

In the corridor Jungsoo pointed out an ajar door: “Studio. Bedroom,” indicating the door at the end, “and here, restroom,” he said as he opened the door in the middle. It wasn’t bigger than what Seungcheol had imagined. The precious space had obviously gone to the big and luminous living room and well-furnished kitchen.

Jungsoo thankfully indicated which soap he could use, and which washcloth, and he didn’t say anything when Seungcheol was patted his face with cold water and brushed himself forcefully with the washcloth, willing his anxiety to give him a reprieve.

“Sorry about putting you in a tight spot earlier, sunbae-um, hyung.”

Jungsoo raised an eyebrow at him and smiled a kind smile, obviously happy. “’’In a tight spot?’ What are you talking about?”

“When Hyukjae-sunbaenim thought you had caused my- um… _that_ reaction. Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Yah, don’t worry, I told you.”

Jungsoo’s tone was perfectly soothing, but Seungcheol felt like he was screwing everything up and he was feeling like absolute shit because of it. Most of all, he wanted the older man to understand that he wasn’t usually like this. He was more confident, more manly, cooler, he wasn’t usually so… _raw_.

“I’m going to hug you now,” said Jungsoo matter-of-factly, but although he made a statement, he waited until Seungcheol nodded to step forward and draw one arm across his back.

Jungsoo’s chest was big and broad and smelt like a really good cologne, with a subtle scent that reminded Seungcheol of his own hyung.

“Remember what I told you?”

After a couple of seconds Seungcheol realized it was an actual question.

“Um, you’ll threaten Heechul-sunbaenim to behave?”

Jungsoo’s laughter exploded behind his ear and he shook within the hug before the older man recomposed himself.

“No, well, yes, that too, kid. I’m talking about how we can go away anytime you want. Just tell me, ‘hyung, we need to go back’ and no matter what, we’ll be out of here. Alright?”

Seungcheol nodded against his chest. “Thank you, hyung.” And Jungsoo squeezed him gently before letting go.

 

 

 

In the meantime, Hyukjae and Donghae had set the table, filling it to the edges, and now that Seungcheol was finally relaxing he was smelling all sorts of delicious dishes. Rice cakes, kimchi, chicken, dumplings.

“It smells deli-“

_Diiing!_

Both Hyukjae’s and Donghae’s phones went off, Hyukjae’s was on the kitchen counter while Donghae’s had already his in his hand. Beside him, Jungsoo was also checking his phone. Then, perfectly coordinated, they all groaned in exasperation, and finally, a shrill laughter resounded behind the door.

“Please, no,” sighed Donghae even though he walked towards the door and opened it.

“Surprise bitches!” hollered Heechul, jumping in the doorway, discarding his shoes, sliding inside, letting the plastic bags he carried fall on the kitchen counter, and flinging himself towards Seungcheol with a maniac smile.

“Cheollie!” exclaimed the older man, enveloping him in a tight hug.

Heechul had dressed somewhat smartly, like Seungcheol. His trousers looked like they belonged to a suit, and he was wearing a button-down and a suede jacket, the softest Seungcheol had ever touched, and it made a unique sound against his hands. The overall effect was humbled by the fact that he smelt like stir-fry and supermarket, although his hair smelled nice, certainly a fancy shampoo or conditioner.

When Seungcheol’s brain registered what was happening, all the other three men were around him.

“Chullie, what the fuck?”

“Don’t crowd him like that!”

“Stop man-handling our guest!”

“Heechul, seriously!” repeated Jungsoo, and Seungcheol felt Heechul’s left arm being dislodged forcefully.

“Yah, calm down! It’s just a hug!”

“You ask people before you hug them, what if he’s uncomfortable with it?”

“Uncomfortable? It’s just a hug!”

“He’s alone with four strangers and we’re about to talk about really delicate topics and he’s already... Heechul, have a care!”

“Yah, relax! I’m providing comfort and support. I saw him first you know, I call dibs!”

“Chullie why are you even here?”

“To have lunch, duh. I brought extra food.”

Seungcheol felt the older man nod towards the bags he brought.

“Today of all days?”

“Yes. Cheollie, come with me for a moment.”

“Heechul-“ said Jungsoo beside in a very menacing voice.

“Hyung, it’s alright!” he hastily said while he was spun, looking into Jungsoo’s frown, but earning a nod nonetheless.

 

 

 

A few moments later, Seungcheol was in front of Heechul, sitting on the closed toilet in Hyukjae’s bathroom. While Seungcheol started to question how life had gotten him to that point, the older man took his hands in his, without squeezing them, without moving his fingers. He just held his hands.

“Seungcheol-ah,” murmured Heechul with wide, kind eyes, and Seungcheol wondered when he became so close to the older man to be addressed so affectionately.

“Listen. I know I pushed you into this thing, but I really think it would be super good for you to talk about it with Jaejae, but I’m not entirely ignorant okay. You can talk to me, too. If you don’t like it here, if you feel pressured, which you should be ‘cause I totally did, if you feel like you can’t or you don’t want to talk to Jae and Hae, just say the word and we’re out of here. I don’t give a fuck. We can stuff ourselves with meat and rice cakes somewhere else. Or we can go to mine, we can order the best take out in the city. How about that?”

Seungcheol smiled. “Jungsoo-sunbaenim said the same thing.”

Expectedly, Heechul frowned. “That we can go to mine and order the best take out in the city? Okay I guess he can come too. ”

“No,” he said chuckling. “About backing out whenever I want, he said he would take me somewhere nice so we could talk,” he explained, even though he knew that Heechul knew exactly what he was referring to, since the older man merely shrugged and pouted.

“My place is cooler though, and my car’s too. Is this some weird leader bonding thing? ‘Cause I totally could have been SuJu’s leader, you know?”

“I don’t know, his car’s pretty cool. And yes, it’s a leader bonding thing.”

Heechul brought his hand to his heart and let his head fall back dramatically, making him giggle even though he totally expected the spectacle. Heechul’s hand returned to support his as soon as possible, though.

“Knew it. Damn leaders. But seriously, I feel so bad, having dragged you into this situation so quickly. But you see why, right?”

“Hyukjae-sunbaenim’s leave period.”

“Exactly! But, yah, what’s up with the formality? Nobody told you to call us hyung yet? Those oafs, what are they thinking” he mumbled, letting go, pushing himself up and stepping out of the restroom.

“They did. I just… It’s difficult.”

“Well, try. We’re about to stuff our faces in front of you. Seriously.”

Seungcheol grasped Heechul’s wrist lightly, whispering “Thank you,” and meaning to let go, but Heechul stopped in the corridor, putting himself in front of him.

“I’m here with you, alright? If it feels too much but you don’t want to go, just grab my hand and I’ll find somewhere to hide for the time being, alright? Believe in hyung.”

Overwhelmed by the older man’s kindness, Seungcheol nodded and they made their way back to the kitchen. Right when Hyukjae saw them, smiled and opened his mouth to say something, Seungcheol’s stomach gurgled so loudly that everybody stopped and stared at him.

Heechul, the traitor, fell to the floor faster than anyone else.

The hoots of laughter continued as a fiercely blushing Seungcheol was pushed towards the table, and as Jungsoo, Hyukjae and Donghae started piling food on his plate.

“More, more! He’s a growing boy guys, not old as fuck like us!” incited Heechul beside him.

“Shut up hyung!” shouted Hyukjae as he kept putting food on Seungcheol’s plate, in-between laughter.

“Come sit beside me,” called Jungsoo, gesturing to him.

“No way, he’s sitting beside _me_ ,” huffed Heechul.

“Hyung, just sit him between you two and sit down,” scolded Donghae as he and Hyukjae sat down and poured drinks.

“Where’s the soju I brought you?” asked Heechul as he actually did sit beside him as Jungsoo adjusted himself to his right.

“Here, just a bit okay?” said Hyukjae serving, while Heechul quickly acquiesced.

Seungcheol started to dig in, but he suddenly recalled the purpose of the lunch.

He looked at Hyukjae, sitting very close to Donghae and eating quietly apart from appreciative noises about the food, as everybody else. Carefully, as if his actions were going to spark a conversation about _that,_ Seungcheol picked up a dumpling and bit into it.

The deliciousness of the food and his hunger kept him in a quiet appreciative trance as the conversation started to pick up around him. Jungsoo had asked something about how the military was treating his dongsaengs.

As the food began to disappear, Heechul angled himself towards him, so that his knee was touching his thigh. Jungsoo had patted his shoulder once more after he started eating, and Hyukjae wasn’t asking anything about… about the topic that he had come to discuss, and was happily debating the latest trends in soldier slang with Jungsoo, trading ideas back and forth with Donghae.

Next they talked about growing their hair, about Heechul’s hair, and about female idols’ hair. Seungcheol timidly brought up the topic of male idol hair color, which prompted a long and heated debate session, complete with theories, opinions, conspiracy theories, and it almost rounded up in a powerpoint presentation as homework.

A while later, after a joke about the length of award shows in Asia vs the Western world which made Seungcheol tear up, Donghae asked him how it was to be the leader of a numerous idol group in the 2010s.

“They’re 13 like we were!” quipped in Heechul.

“So, seventeen’s like.. the year of debut?” asked Hyukjae, prompting Seungcheol, Heechul and Jungsoo to choke on their laughter. Feeling the laughter being ripped from his chest so unexpectedly felt good, even though Seungcheol squashed it very soon, easily embarrassed by the quirky sounds he made.

“They debuted already, Jae,” explained Jungsoo calmly and Seungcheol followed his lead.

“Seventeen was meant to be debuting members number, but we’re 13 now. We explain it like this, 13 members, 3 sub-units, and one fan community.”

“Oh, got it,” said Hyukjae nodding, followed by Donghae. “And you’re the oldest?”

“Yes. Year of 1995. The youngest was born in 1999.”

Donghae promptly brushed his forehead with his fingers, looking at the table forlornly.

“Don’t say it,” told him Hyukjae, just a second before the other man said “We’re so fucking _old_.”

“Hae, seriously?” “Not this shit again,” groaned Jungsoo and Heechul simultaneously.

“Think about it, these guys were 10 or something when we debuted! They’ll be our age when we will be-“

“No, fucking stop!” “Yah, seriously!” scolded Heechul and Jungsoo again.

Donghae blew out a drawn out sigh of desperation, his head in his hands while Hyukjae smirked at him before turning to Seungcheol.

“So, how’s being the leader of Seventeen?”

Seungcheol shrugged, thinking about the twelve crackheads back at the dorm. “It’s crazy, but it’s fun. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world. They’re my family now.”

“I know the feeling,” murmured the older leader, fondly.

“So you’re close to them,” commented Hyukjae, scrutinizing him.

Seungcheol started nodding, but then he remembered that since he was officially made the leader, many members weren’t so carefree in talking to him anymore.

“Well not everyone. I guess the age difference… But some of them, yes. I’m really close to the other two my age, and the others a year younger than me. I’m getting close to the others in my sub-unit, too, or at least I’m trying.”

“Which unit is that again?”

“Hip-pop. We’re the rappers of the group, basically.”

“So did you tell any of them that you’re here today? Among those who are closest to you?” continued Hyukjae, and Seungcheol finally realized that this was the beginning of the Discussion, feeling dumb about now having seen it coming.

He looked down at the table, wondering where all the food had gone, wondering how the light in the room was so different than when he first sat down. Did much time pass while the others bickered about hair color and end-of-year singing contests?

He shook his head no.

“Is there someone who knows about you among your members?”

Mortified, Seungcheol was about to shake his head no again, when the thought of rapping lines and softly clicking keys surfaced in his mind.

Right. Jihoon.

“Well, I…” He braced himself taking a deep breath. “I kind of asked the MAMAN question to one of my members the other day.”

“Oh,” said Hyukjae softly, while Donghae widened his eyes for a moment. Seungcheol didn’t turn left or right, but he felt the older men stiffening by his sides.

“He said he thought MAMAN is the bravest idol. And that he would have wanted to be someone MAMAN could confide in.”

As soon as he spoke the words, the stiff air in the room immediately relaxed. Jungsoo squeezed his shoulder shortly, Heechul rested his hand on his lower back for a second, while Hyukjae and Donghae looked at one another smiling before smiling at him.

“That’s very good news, Seungcheol-ssi, I’m glad for you,” praised Hyukjae, echoed by the other men.

Seungcheol felt unspeakably relieved and proud by their reactions. Relieved because he was suddenly conscious of the weight of Jihoon’s words, and proud to have such an understanding boy in his group, by his side.

“Yeah, I- I was so surprised. I had no idea one could react like that to that question. I didn’t- I didn’t even pause to think, I just… Err… Whatever, it was so stupid.”

He kept his gaze firmly on the table, so he only saw up to Hykjae’s and Donghae’s chests as they turned towards Heechul.

“Panic attack,” whispered the older man, and Seungcheol suddenly felt his skin burn in mortification.

“Seungcheol-ssi,” called Hyukjae, “You have no idea how many panic attacks I went through when I sorted out my sexual identity.”

“So many. We were so worried,” mumbled Jungsoo.

“I remember having a few, too,” added Donghae, picking up a pile of dirty dishes and carrying them to the sink. Hyukjae and Jungsoo immediately imitated him.

“Not as evident and as many as Jae,” quipped in Heechul, steady beside him as he focused on breathing and not losing it right then and there.

“I was fucking terrified,” confirmed the man in question, and Seungcheol admired his casual tone so strongly it hurt. These were strong grown men who were talking about one of the things Seungcheol feared most as if it was routine. He didn’t know how the fuck they were doing it, but seeing them walking back and forth and talking normally helped calming him down.

“I had no idea what was happening,” continued Hyukjae “I thought my entire life had been a lie and I struggled with myself for a long time. And you, bastard, weren’t any help.”

For a second Seungcheol thought Hyukjae was referring to his leader, since Hyukjae was returning with mugs and a box of tea blends, while Jungsoo was walking towards the kitchen with a final load of empty side dishes. However, Donghae was the one who laughed and said “Sorry, sorry!” without sounding sorry at all.

It was only when Donghae arrived with an electric kettle full of steamy water that Seungcheol realized that he had been in a panicked trance instead of behaving like a polite guest and helping put away the dirty dishes. He flushed and hung his head in embarrassment and thought about how he was going to apologize, but Heechul distracted him by praising the variety of tea bags in Hyukjae’s box.

“I’m really glad you have someone to talk to,” spoke up Hyukjae, pulling Seungcheol out of his reverie in the midst of the calming tea scents all around him. “Back then, I spoke with Soo-hyung first, and even though I felt like I was about to die of embarrassment, I’m really glad I did. It helped me so much.”

“Even though I realized it first,” quipped in Heechul, smugly.

“You did, hyung,” sighed Hyukjae, making Donghae grin. “But I didn’t know about this crazy instinct of yours back then, so excuse me if I still consider Soo-hyung my first ally.”

Heechul scoffed, then patted Seungcheol’s shoulder, making him turn.

“Cheollie, remember to be mindful of all your members. If you think they know about you and haven’t said anything yet, they’re probably safe. If you don’t want to always go to this friend, you can seek them out. Hyung felt betrayed when I found out that Jaejae told Soo first, you know?”

“I thought you were having fun at my expense, hyung,” whined Hyukjae, leaning back and groaning as if he had repeated the same sentence many times before.

“I didn’t know how badly you felt about it!” defended Heechul. “If I knew you were panicking about it I would have toned down the teasing!”

“Probably,” whispered Jungsoo, making Seungcheol smile.

“Moral of the story,” murmured Donghae above his cup, focusing on Seungcheol. “Having supportive members who know about you is much more helpful than you might think. Discussing this stuff on a regular basis really helps.”

As the older men confirmed it Seungcheol sipped his tea and tried to calm his nerves, but he felt too bad about leading the older idols on.

“Um, this member and I. We don’t… exactly… talk. I mean,” he said, gulping when he saw the others focusing on him. “He said that when I asked him about MAMAN, then I said MAMAN would have been grateful for him, you know, to-to express my thanks. And-And that’s it. We didn’t… And I don’t think we will… um… talk about… anything.”

“Why not?” asked Donghae, mirroring Hyukjae’s frown.

“He’s our main producer. He does 80% of the work when it comes to composing, editing and recording. And he’s a tremendous dancer. I can’t dump all this on him, on top of everything else. I just can’t.”

“I see your point…” commented Hyukjae, his frown indicating that he didn’t actually see Seungcheol’s point. “Do you think there might be someone else in your group that you could confide in?”

Seungcheol shook his head, suddenly overwhelmed with helplessness and loneliness. The emotion reared up so quickly within him that he felt dizzy with it and he slumped on the table, keeping his head up with his hands.

“It’s okay, it’s alright,” murmured Heechul immediately, echoed by Jungsoo.

Seungcheol tried to think about his members. Who would be a good candidate? Jisoo was much more religious that he was, and Jeonghan… God, anybody but Jeonghan…

“Hyu-Hyung… I-I don’t even know how I would go about it,” he admitted, feeling like a helpless child.

“Well, for me, hyung approached me first,” murmured Hyukjae, “We were in the kitchen in the dorms and he was asking me about my recent hysterics, all the anxiety and panic attacks and silences. And when he looked like he’d start crying any second and said that he would love no matter what, I just told him. I told him ‘Hyung, I think I’m gay.” I blurted it out.”

Seungcheol had slowly raised his head during Hyukjae’s recounting, and with Hyukjae looking straight at him, he found himself staring in the eyes of a man who outright introduced himself as gay. His heart started pounding in his ears, so loud that he heard Jungsoo murmuring “Yeah, you just blurted it out,” as if he was across a long distance.

Eventually, the staring made Hyukjae self-aware, for he blinked rapidly and searched his face for answers.

“What?” he asked, once he didn’t find them.

“You just… I just… This is the first time… This is the first time I hear somebody just… introduce themselves… like that.”

Hyukjae said it in the context of a memory, but still. Seungcheol’s blood boiled in his veins, his heartbeat deafening as he tried to make sense of what was happening.

Hyukjae widened his eyes for a second, exchanged a look with Donghae and scratched the back of his head before refocusing on him.

“I usually wait for our guest to say it first, you know, as a precaution,”

“Paranoia…” whispered Heechul, earning a short glare from Hyukjae.

“And I usually frame it with this long speech, about not telling anybody, and what consequences you’ll face if you tried to spread rumors, and so on. But I guess our secret’s safe with you, eh?”

Seungcheol shook his head so fast he dislodged Jungsoo’s hand on his shoulder, that he didn’t even register until that second.

“Hyung, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to say. I’m just grateful you wanted to meet up with me.”

“He’s so cute and considerate guys,” mock-whined Heechul.

“He is. I feel bad now,” added Donghae. Seungcheol shook his head at him, but Donghae reached out and patted the back of his hand, smiling. “Sorry about the third degree kid. But we decided to play it safe, and all these years have gone smoothly also thanks to our precautions. You’re a sweet kid though, sorry about doubting you in the first place.”

“No, hyung, you were right-“

“Shush,” chided gently Donghae. “What if we want to say it?”

“Hyung, you really don’t have to. You said more than enough already, I’m so grateful.”

“We want to properly introduce ourselves,” confirmed in Hyukjae, extending his arm to put his palm over Donghae’s, over Seungcheol’s hand. He stopped to look at their bigger hands before refocusing his gaze on Hyukjae’s trusting eyes.

“Will you listen to us and keep our secrets?”

Taking a breath to say the word properly, Seungcheol simply said “Yes,” and fought a smile when Hyukjae squared his shoulder and sat up straighter. He wasn’t the only one who was nervous about all this.

“Alright then,” muttered Hyukjae, setting his gaze directly on him, making Seungcheol’s skin prickle under the pointed focus.

“I’m gay,” he said, stealing the breath out of Seungcheol’s lungs. “I realized it when I was about your age. I was a right mess, didn’t want to believe it at first. But I’m okay now, I’m in a long-committed relationship and all, I’m loved and I love in return. Even though I keep it secret.”

A look of pure regret flashed through Hyukjae’s eyes, fast but so deep that Seungcheol’s heart cried out in pain for the older man. With an awkward cough, the older idol turned to his left, where Donghae offered a hand on his shoulder in support before turning to him.

“I’m demisexual,” the English word rolling off his tongue easily. “It means that I don’t feel attraction for either sex unless I have a strong emotional connection with someone.”

Donghae looked at Heechul expectantly, and when Seungcheol turned around he found the older man grinning and winking at him.

“Raging bisexual here! It means I swing both ways, baby!” exclaimed the idol happily, complete with victory signs.

Completely floored, Seungcheol turned around so quickly he got whiplash. From his part Jungsoo widened his eyes before erupting in laughter, followed quickly by all the other men.

“Oh man, his face!” exclaimed Hyukjae, while Donghae snickered in his palm and Heechul flung himself to the floor, slapping his chest and squealing at impossible volume levels.

Mortified, Seungcheol turned to Jungsoo for guidance. The older man was snickering but tried his best to reign in his laughter long enough to say “Sorry to disappoint but I’m just your regular hetero, kid.”

Exceedingly mortified, Seungcheol tried to apologize profusely but Jungsoo waved him off every time and eventually he felt Heechul, who must have gotten himself of the floor, back hugging him with one arm.

“That was top comedy kid, I haven’t laughed so well in ages,” he said, nuzzling his hair lightly, and Seungcheol flushed at the gesture but also at the echoed praise of Hyukjae and Donghae.

“Thanks… I guess?” he muttered, prompting another round of snickering. Eventually, he turned to Hyukjae, hoping to convey all his admiration properly.

“You’re all so… so _brave_. Just saying it like that. I never heard people say those words in real life before.”

A pregnant silence fell upon the group, heavy with expectations.

Seungcheol felt all the eyes on him and the dawning realization that they were all waiting for him to introduce himself. He suddenly tensed up in reaction, looking down at his cup and clutched the fabric of his trousers in tight fists.

Sensing his distress first, Heechul repositioned himself so that his thigh run along his and his hand rested on his shoulder again. Even though Seungcheol was immensely grateful for the support, the anxiety and expectation of the situation were mounting within him too quickly to be repressed.

“Hyun-Hyung,” Seungcheol panicked when he heard his voice choking on the word, and slumped forward in mortification. “I don’t-I don’t _know_.”

And with that Seungcheol was so overwhelmed with helplessness that he hid his face behind his palms, seriously afraid that tears would spill out of his eyes, unbidden, unwanted, and even more mortifying.

He felt two hands, one on his shoulder and one on his arm, though, offering support, and he slid his palms so that he gripped his forehead but let his mouth clear.

“I-I don’t _know_! I don’t know what I am, hyung! I have no fucking idea!” he blurted out in a rush, and even though he doubted he had talked clearly enough to be understood by the older men, he didn’t care. He was immediately relieved for having said it out loud, for once in his life.

“That’s absolutely understandable Cheollie,” assured Heechul, putting both hands on his shoulders. Even though Seungcheol appreciated the gesture, he didn’t understand the man’s words and he turned to check if he was joking. But no, Heechul looked in earnest.

“How-How can you say that? I don’t even know what the fuck I am, what I want!”

“And you think there’s something wrong with that? There isn’t!” said Heechul vehemently.

A touch on his elbow made Seungcheol turn around to Hyukjae.

“Some people go on their whole lives without labeling themselves, and without a single worry in the world, just as happy and content as those who have found a name to their identity.”

“And I only started calling myself demisexual a couple years ago,” added Donghae softly, “And I was perfectly fine with it before and after. I didn’t care about labeling myself, I didn’t care about deleting the question mark on my sexual identity. I didn’t even care about lying and talking about girls in interviews. As long as myself and the people I loved knew what I was going through, then everything was fine.”

“Exactly,” continued Jungsoo, “If you’re not sure, it’s alright. If Jae, or Hae, or Chul told me, _today_ , that they still couldn’t put a word to their sexual identity, I wouldn’t love them less. If in thirty years they told me they still have no idea what word fits them best, I still wouldn’t love them less.”

While the other assented, Seungcheol slumped forward again and sighed, letting the relief wash over him, focusing on his breathing.

As Seungcheol busied himself with getting his nerves under control, the older man alternatively swapped stories about people they knew who were still questioning, or had questioned their identity for a long times, even decades.

Hyukjae referred to guests of his several times, and eventually Seungcheol realized that the soldier meant guests in his current situation.

“Have you had many people like me over, hyung?”

“Like you? Questioning?”

“Yeah, but also.. idols, you know?”

“Oh, yes. Err… Only idols actually,” admitted the older, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

“Jaejae here is the guru of LGBT idols you know?” snickered Heechul, making Hyukjae flush harder and whine “Yah, hyung, stop it!”

“We can’t tell you their names, though,” said Donghae quietly, looking him in the eye and addressing his secret wish.

“Um, s-sure! I didn’t-“ he stuttered, immediately regretting opening his mouth and being so obvious.

“Not because we don’t trust you or anything,” thankfully interrupted Hyukjae, touching his forearm in reassurance. “but because we don’t have their permission to share their info. Hyung told you I’m cautious about this things, right?”

“More like paranoid,” murmured Heechul.

“Justifiably hyper-cautious but respectful,” amended Jungsoo.

“Shush hyung,” grumbled Hyukjae before refocusing on him. “It will be the same for you. Now that we’ve met, I won’t tell our next guest about you, I won’t give any hints about your identity. If you want to know about the others, or contact them, I’ll arrange a meeting. So I contact you ‘hey one of my guests wants to meet you,’ if you want, you come over, and then if you both or three or whatever want to exchange contacts, it’s fine. Do your thing. As long as you’re careful not to talk about us in public, do what you want. But we want to be left in peace.”

“That’s fair. That’s understandable, hyung. I’m just grateful about being here and talking about all this for once in my life.”

Hyukjae and Donghae nodded silently. “I know the feeling well,” commented Hyukjae. “Is there something you want to ask me? Something about being LGBT in the industry, or did you talk with someone in management about that already?”

“We did receive the talk about being… being LGBT.” The managers had called it ‘being different’ but Seungcheol didn’t want to phrase it like that. “The gist of it is basically ‘stay in the closet, keep your head down and stay within the limits of fanservice.’”

“Yeah, that’s about right,” murmured Hyukjae dejectedly while Heechul mumbled a ‘bastards’ beside him.

“Glad to hear that talk didn’t change at all in ten years, even in different companies,” commented Jungsoo with dark sarcasm.

“And won’t change for another ten years, hyung,” added Donghae. “I know it’s pessimistic and not that how I don’t hope things will change, but let’s face it, it doesn’t look like the korean entertainment industry will turn rainbow very soon.”

The harsh yet realistic vision rendered everyone morose, and Seungcheol took advantage of the pause to sip his tepid tea and try to think about something to ask.

“So… should I go around asking my members the password?”

Hyukjae hummed noncommittally while Donghae made a slight grimace and frown. “That really depends on whether they made some supportive comments about the LGBT community before,” said Hyukjae. “If they haven’t or if you don’t remember, I don’t think that’s the safest route.”

“And what’s that?”

“Give out some hints that you’re LGBT-friendly first, and see how the others react. Then, maybe, approach them.”

“Orrrr,” purred Heechul beside him, sounding like he’d been waiting for this moment in particular, and from his slightly manic grin when Seungcheol turned to him, he was spot on. “Or you could plan something together with your sweetheart!”

For a moment, Seungcheol’s brains activity flat the fuck out. Then, he remembered calling Jihoon his ‘saranghanen’ as a joke while the rapline was discussing the last ‘assignment,’ but there was now way for Heechul to know that. So, what was he talking about?

“What are you talking about?”

“Yoon Jeonghan, your sweetheart,” stated the older man calmly.

Seungcheol promptly choked on his saliva.

“You-You though- You…! I-I-I… He’s not… He’s not…!”

“Hyung, did you break our guest? Did you?!”

“Was that really necessary, hyung?”

“Chul, seriously?”

“Hyung!”

“What now?” groaned Heechul. “You weren’t there! When they weren’t eye-fucking they were busy being overprotective and jealous over each other!”

“That’s blatantly untrue hyung!”

Heechul refocused on him, frowning in disbelief.

“Seriously? The moment I saw you he was draped all over you, stroking your neck and your arms and shit. And when I talked to the others sometimes you two zoned out together and stayed in your own world for ages. And do we want to talk about your reaction during the kissing game? And his? And what about after when he was ready to skin your dongsaeng for defending your kissing technique?”

“Those don’t mean anything! He’s handsy and likes to tease others-“

“He defended your fucking kissing technique!”

“Because he knows it’s a delicate topic for me! We talked about it and he’s protective with his friends!”

“Yeah, okay. Look, sorry to burst your bubble of denial but that kid is either bisexual or pan. Like, I don’t think he gives a fuck about gender at all. And might I remind that my gay-dar is flawless.”

“He does have an uncanny ability to spot LGBT people.” Seungcheol heard Donghae mumbling, but he was too busy grabbing Heechul and startling him out of his bravado.

“Hyung, you can’t joke about this. Not about this! You have _no_ idea what it’s been like for me this past year. He’s straight! He just likes to tease a lot!”

“Seungcheol-ah, breathe,” said Jungsoo behind him, but Seungcheol ignored him, as he ignored Heechul’s hands on his, and the older man’s too understanding gaze.

“I’m not joking Cheollie.”

“You’ve got to be joking! You’ve _got_ _to_! I can’t… We’re in the same group… He’s _straight_ … I can’t do this, hyung.”

Before he could even think about moving and doing something dramatic and embarrassing like getting up and going to the bathroom and crumpling to the floor, Seungcheol felt himself tugged to the left and tucked into someone’s chest. He recognized Jungsoo’s cologne but he didn’t let himself relax because all his energy went to fight back the tears and bring his breathing under control. Jungsoo was doing his best to calm him dow, too, whispering reassurances.

He focused on Jungsoo’s cologne, the soft fabric of his pullover, the complicated mess of limbs that they created as the older man was kneeling beside him but also tugged him closer with a strength that Seungcheol hadn’t taken into account. He was half on his lap, but they were actually kneeling very very close, and of course Jungsoo’s arms were around his shoulder, and Jungsoo’s head was tucked up protective above his.

There was a third hand on his back, supposedly Heechul’s, but still Seungcheol couldn’t let himself relax.

“Han-Han’s straight. He _is_. We’ve just debuted, hyung. I still don’t know what the fuck I am. I can’t fall for a member, I just _can’t_.”

“You don’t need to worry about a thing, Cheollie. Whatever his sexual identity is, just go at your pace and try to accept yourself, first,” commented Heechul with a calm that Seungcheol was envious of.

“It doesn’t work like that, hyung. If I know he’s not straight… I don’t know, I’ll go out of my fucking mind.”

Jungsoo squeezed him tight for a second before letting go. Seungcheol didn’t want to look at the older man in the eyes, but Jungsoo didn’t nudge him, nor waited until they locked gazes.

“You won’t, you’ll weather through this, and you know why? Because even though I’ve known you for a very short time, I already know that you’re a level-headed, responsible, and mature leader when it comes to your group, when it comes to your dongsaengs. You have a supportive friend already, and you have us now. You can have as many meltdowns as you want while you figure yourself out, you can be a total mess with us and with your friend, but I know, I’m certain you’ll be a great leader nonetheless.”

“Absolutely true,” added Heechul quickly. “You should have seen him when he was teased about kissing the other day, hyung. Everyone was super agitated and lost, but as soon as Hannie owned the other kid, their support was instantaneous. They respect you a lot, Cheollie. Even if Jeonghan is LGBT, you have a lot of time to figure yourself out. It’s so rare for rookies to date, you won’t have to see him snatched away by someone anytime soon.”

“Plus, excuse me, but I feel kinda insulted here.”

Seungcheol turned around, still half-tucked against Jungsoo, and he saw Hyukjae raising his eyebrows matter-of-factly, as if waiting for him to draw the correct conclusion. But Seungcheol was thoroughly lost and simply asked “Why?”

In reply, Hyukjae raised his eyebrows even more, and gestured between him and Donghae with a lazy yet elegant sweep of his fingers.

“Who better to ask for help, if not the LGBT power couple of Super Junior?”

Seungcheol’s brains skipped a synapsis and tried to reboot itself, to no avail.

Beside him, Heechul started snickering so much he was shaking with it.

“Excuse you?!” scolded Hyukjae frowning, which only made Heechul giggle louder.

“I can’t… You still have to realize that you forgot to introduce yourselves as boyfriends, you idiot! I just…” and Heechul started slapping his hands as Hyukjae eyes widened more and more until even Seungcheol felt a giggle threatening to erupt in his throat.

“What… Seriously?” he whispered, but suddenly the realization hit him, the glint clear in his gaze and he turned into stone, staring at Donghae. Heechul started hollering in laughter, Donghae covered his smile behind his palm, and Jungsoo snorted with fond exasperation.

“I didn’t?!” asked Hyukjae looking at Seungcheol, with a flush darkening his cheekbones. He didn’t even see Seungcheol shaking his head, as he turned back to Donghae, repeating the question.

“You didn’t,” confirmed the other calmly.

“Then why the hell didn’t you introduce yourself as my partner?!” shouted Hyukjae, indignant.

“Excuse me? I was following your lead! You introduced yourself first but didn’t mention us, so I thought we were still keeping it a secret from him. Don’t pin this on me!”

“Seriously, that’s your excuse?”

“I just _told_ you, I thought you wanted to keep it secret! Why didn’t _you_ mention it then?”

“I-I… It slipped my mind!”

“Now _that’s_ an excuse!”

“Yah-!”

“Children, please behave,” called Jungsoo, quieting the duo. “Heechul, stop screaming like that, you bothering the neighbors.”

Heechul couldn’t stop as immediately as Donghae and Hyukjae, so he slapped hands over his mouth and slumped against the table as Jungsoo and Seungcheol repositioned themselves side by side.

“So.. you two..” trailed off Seungcheol, looking between his two hosts, who exchanged a soft smile before they turned to him.

“This is our seventh year together. I realized I was gay because of many factors, but Hae figured he was demi because of me. Did I say that right?”

Donghae nodded. “Jae was my first. I had a couple of crushes before, but it was all innocent stuff. When I started feeling attracted to Jae we were already best friends and I got pretty spooked out. But he and the others helped me overcome my insecurities.”

Beside him, Heechul snorted.

“’Spooked out’ he says. Believe me Cheollie, he wasn’t even fazed.”

“That’s not true,” defended Donghae, but Hyukjae poked his side.

“It is. You’ve always been pretty chill about yourself. You lose your mind about others though.”

“It is kind of true, Hae,” amended Jungsoo. Donhae, figuring he was outnumbered, raised his hands in surrender.

“Anyway. If this boy in your group set off Heechul-hyung’s weird radar thing, he’s probably either LGBT or questioning, but maybe he’s like me. He looks calm and confident but he might be freaking out on the inside. Not that I hope he’s freaking out! Maybe he’s just reconsidering stuff. Just remember that appearances can be deceiving when it comes to sexual identity.”

After a moment of silence, Jungsoo added “You still explain things in a round-about way, Donghae-yah,” making them all huff out in laughter.

“You get why I was so insistent about you talking with Jae?” asked him Heechul after the laughter died down. “Jae and Hae have been in an established relationship for a long time, and you reminded me of Jae, when he was still a panicked gay mess about his sexual identity. You can ask these two questions like that, if you want.”

Seungcheol regarded the older men with this new information. They seemed to sense his change of mood, and let him scrutinize them to his heart’s content. Of all the weird, possibly intrusive questions to asks, there was one curiosity which sat at the forefront of his thoughts.

“So you’re living together?”

“Yep,” responded Hyukjae with a faint smug grin, while Donghae nodded and smiled serenely.

Seungcheol greatly admired their calm. His admiration did nothing but grow after they introduced themselves as LGBT. Here were two men, two idols, who were in an established relationship, and even lived with each other, without the public…

Wait a minute.

Nothing had come up about Hyukjae and Donghae living together. As an idol, Seungcheol read a couple of those apps that specialized in idol-related news, everybody and their mother used them, to keep themselves informed about what was going on in the industry. He had read somewhere that the members of SuJu were still close, even after enlistment and buying separate houses. And didn’t someone write blog posts about each of their houses? Surely the media wasn’t so blind as not having found out that Hyukjae and Donghae lived together.

Fortunately, his expression must have showed his thoughts, for Donghae spoke up.

“I keep a separate house not far from here. Officially, I don’t like living alone after many years of cohabitation so I visit everyone often, Jae more than others because of D&E. “I need to spend some days at the other place though,” admitted Donghae with a cringe-worthy fake smile at the end.

“Right. For the sasaeng.”

“Well, at least we have stricter laws on stalking and sasaeng now.”

“Which we are _not_ going to make avail for ourselves,” quipped in Hyukjae, sending his partner a short glare.

“Says him,” grumbled Donghae, nodding towards his partner but keeping his eyes on Seungcheol.

“Hae, we can’t sue. It would lo-”

“I don’t want to have this argument again, Jae,” interrupted Donhae testily.

“In case you forgot we’re in this _together_ , Hae. You can’t make such decisions by yourself.”

“Well, _excuse_ me if I don’t want stalkers to dictate my life!”

“It’s only a few days a month!”

“Yes, a few days a month that I have to sleep in a fucking empty flat without you!”

“You think I have it easier?!”

“ _Yes_! You stay in our _home_. I go to the equivalent of a fucking _hotel_!”

“Guys,” called Jungsoo with a tone of finality, causing a tense silence to fall over the group.

After a while, the silence became too much for Seungcheol and he whispered “Hyung” and tried not to smile when he saw all four men turning towards him.

“But… It’s worth it, isn’t it?”

Seungcheol was too focused on Hyukjae’s still irritated glare to see Jungsoo smiling proudly at him, but he did feel Heechul’s pat on his back.

The transition from Hyukjae’s frown to a fond smile was gradual but unstoppable, it looked like Hyukjae wasn’t even in control of his emotions anymore, it looked as inevitable as gravity.

“The only words I can’t think of are ‘fuck yeah’ and even these are weak as fuck.”

Seungcheol smiled and flushed in second-hand embarrassment because of Hyukjae’s outspokenness, and the next few minutes were dedicated to making fun of Hyukjae’s sappiness and of both his and his partner’s evident embarrassment.

 

 

 

 

 

“-So call me! Baepsaeeee!”

“Kim Heechul lower the volume and stop screaming this instant or I will kick you out of this car!”

“Aww, come on, this is a good one!”

“I’m not saying anything against the song, I just want some peace and quiet to talk to Seungcheol-ssi.”

“Ah, no, it’s fine, hyung!” But Heechul was already lowering the volume.

“You’re too precious Cheollie,” squealed Heechul twisting on his seat and sending him a big smile. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Mh? Yes? Why?”

“You went super quiet while we got out from Hae and Jaejae’s..”

Seungcheol scratched his forehead, feeling the flush rise to his face. “Do you think Hyukjae-hyung and Donghae-hyung noticed too? Argh, I’m so sorry…”

“Nah, it’s fine, they’re probably thinking it was nerves or natural awkwardness or whatever.”

Seungcheol groaned, looking at the dark outskirts of Seoul passing by.

“Did you want to ask them more questions?” inquired Jungsoo, darting him a glance through the rear glass.

“No, no. I just think…” he took a few moments to collect his thoughts and thinking about the best way to articulate them without sounding like a stupid sap. “I cannot imagine how awful it would be, going through enlistment and being separated from your partner, but not because they’re civilians, but because they’re enlisted too. It must be frustrating.”

“Well, Donghae once said it’s comforting to know that Jae’s going through similar things as himself. He said he thinks it will be much more difficult later, when’s discharged and Jae will have many more months to serve still,” explained Jungsoo.

“While Jaejae said something like the opposite of this,” quipped in Heechul. “That he misses Hae even more, knowing that they’re going through training together. And he thinks that in the future, knowing Hae is back with us, among the civvies, will put his mind at ease. I don’t get it, but if he think he’ll be happy then more power to him.”

Jungsoo sighed in exasperation at Heechul’s wacky explanation, causing Seungcheol to snicker quietly.

“Don’t worry about those two. They’ve been through thick and thin. They’re fucking indestructible,” commented Heechul, and Seungcheol squinted in the darkening afternoon, wondering if he imagined the wishful glint in Heechul’s gaze.

“Do you think I could have a relationship like that, hyung?”

Both Jungsoo and Heechul leaned into the rear mirror for a moment, their expressions unreadable.

“I’m sure you will, Cheollie!”

“And if you’re ever in doubt with whatever you’ve learned from Jae and Hae today, or with whatever you’ll think in the future, and you don’t think you can trust your members with your secrets yet, you have our numbers now. If you want to meet up just give us a call. We’ll take you out to eat and see if we can help.”

“Don’t listen to this boring old leader, Cheollie, he will take you to those boring uptight restaurants. Call _me_ , I’ll take you to the fun places!”

“Stop corrupting the kid, Chul!”

“Fuck you, he’s my kid too now-”

Seungcheol looked out of the window, tracking the lazy traffic, greeting Seoul and being greeted back. Soon he would be back at the studio, checking up on the kids and tracking the group chat to see if somebody was taking care of dinner. He would try and talk with Jihoon soon, maybe even share a hint or two with Jisoo and Mingyu within the following week, paying close attention to their reactions.

Maybe, one day, he would summon enough courage to talk to Jeonghan too.

For now, he felt considerably lighter, as if he had shrugged off an enormous and oppressive weight.

As the older idols continued to bicker, he joined his hands in a silent prayer that his hyungs would be safe and happy in return for all the advices and support he had received.

“Thank you, hyungs,” he whispered, content that he hadn’t been heard by anybody but the universe.

 

 

 


End file.
